Recently I’ve been pondering some changes in how I approach my life.  I had been wrapped up in creating physical boundaries so that I could reach for emotional safety.  Fine.  Necessary.

But I wonder – what about open-heartedness?  In the last year I put on fifteen pounds.  True fact.  I’m not one to do that, it’s not in my genes or family history to change weight much at all in adulthood.  I closed ranks around myself, made myself as inaccessible as possible.  Where I live, you can’t see my house from the street, even if you are looking at it, unless you know what to look for.  My hair, my shape, everything, different.

In the meantime, I’ve even felt afraid to post significant internal experiences/thoughts/feelings here in this space.  I didn’t know how to describe my life outside of the external stage upon which it seemed to be playing, largely without my consent or even my comprehension.

How do I go about going inward again?  How do I go about pursuing my own truth again?  How do I go about focusing on my inner journey again?

I’ve been afraid to speak; afraid to write; afraid to move.  Afraid, afraid, afraid.  So afraid that anything I would say or do would be inappropriate and I would have no way of knowing it was inappropriate and I would become a person who created casualties all around me by my complete lack of awareness.

So I have decided to do what seems imprudent.  I’ve decided to move.  I’m not talking about any sort of physical move (except for moving as part of that new exercise routine, damn you Tony Horton and your Ten Minute Trainer).  I’m saying I’ve decided to move inward.  Again.  And I’ve decided to reach out from inside.  Again.

It’s a risk.  It has led me in just the past several days to take risks on some outward fronts that I would not have taken even a couple of weeks ago.  Because I’ve decided to speak and write and think from inside.

I still wonder, is it a risk that’s worth taking, or is this a sign of that impulsivity that strafes surrounding loved ones and renders them traumatized?  But I’m going on faith here.  I’m deciding that I deserve to at least try it out.  And I’m giving my inner thoughts and feelings a smidge more credit than I was.  And I’m reaching out to life from inside, again, just a bit.

Here I am again, then.  This, too, is a risk.  But what’s inside is what’s inside.  I can believe it’s good, or I can believe it needs to be checked at the door.  I’m realizing that it’s time to believe it’s – I’m – good again.

One Sweet Love

from Sara Bareilles’ album ‘little voice’

Just about the time the shadows call
I undress my mind and dare you to follow
Paint a portrait of my mystery
Only close my eyes and you are here with me
A nameless face to think I see
To sit and watch the waves with me till they’re gone
A heart I’d swear I’d recognize is made out of
My own devices….
Could I be wrong?

The time that I’ve taken
I pray is not wasted
Have I already tasted my piece of one sweet love?

Sleepless nights you creep inside of me
Paint your shadows on the breath that we share
You take more than just my sanity
You take my reason not to care.
No ordinary wings I’ll need
The sky itself will carry me back to you
The things I dream that I can do I’d open up
The moon for you
Just come down soon

The time that I’ve taken
I pray is not wasted
Have I already tasted my piece of one sweet love?
Ready and waiting for a heart worth the breaking
But I’d settle for an honest mistake in the name of
One sweet love.

Savor the sorrow to soften the pain, sip on
The southern rain
As I do, I don’t look don’t touch don’t do anything
But hope that there is a you.

The earth that is the space between,
I’d banish it from under me…to get to you.
Your unexpected love provides my solitary’s suicide…oh I wish I knew

The time that I’ve taken
I pray is not wasted
Have I already tasted my piece of one sweet love?
Ready and waiting for a heart worth the breaking
But I’d settle for an honest mistake in the name of
One sweet love