I was recently gifted Once Upon a More Enlightened Time by James Finn Garner.  This evening, at the end of an appallingly long week, I started reading it as a way to distract myself.  And – it’s so damn funny.  I can’t recommend it enough.  Apparently Mr. Garner, whose blog now enlivens my Blogs I Follow list, has been variously described as incredibly funny and as an assault on humor.

So I was gonna title this post One out of Three Ain’t Bad.  I’m not sure what kind of hole I got myself into this past week, but it’s been rather disturbingly deep.  I am still off of the coffee (and, frankly, wondering if I might be enduring withdrawals from the sugar I put in it even though I was drinking decaf).  This week exercise has been pretty much an “eh, what?” as I drag myself to the end of my days.

A talk with a friend and colleague who does what I do has given me a greater perspective on this self-employed life I’m leading.  I’ve been pretty much scheduling in students when they say they can come, as long as it’s within school hours for my children.  But it was suggested to me that I teach fewer students per day, and teach about the same number every day.  I’m going to look at my schedule with a view to doing just that.  I do recall that when I used to simply identify when I wanted to teach and how many students, they would appear.

The thing that seems to be exhausting me is that I’ve gotten to sort of a low ebb energetically as I approach the fall (yeah I live in the tropics but in a couple of weeks the kidlets and I are visiting a place where there is actual fall, so I feel entitled to use the term).  And in response I’ve fought the low energy and gotten kind of desperate.  While I’m not sure that desperation shows outwardly very much, that’s because I keep a very tight lid on it.  Where it does come out, I reign it back in, apologize for it, whatever I can do to hide it.

Perhaps a better strategy might be to go with the ebb as well as the flow.  Right now I seem to need rest, and I have been feeling desperate about that need.  I seem to need to feel embraced, and I have been feeling desperate about that need.  I seem to need to contain my energies, and I find that produces the greatest desperation.  I would like to think that a person in the process of doubling her studio would be exploding with energy and ideas and yet – I’m not.

The thing is, the last time I sat back and said “bring it on” I found rest.  I felt embraced.  And my studio grew by leaps and bounds.

Right now I’m having a hard time trusting.  The stakes seem higher.  What I’ve worked for seems so close, and yet so galactically far away.  The dreams I thought I was bringing to fruition still sit out in dreamland.

So – the best medicine.  Find a funny book and laugh.