This is a stumper. I’ve actually spent two days thinking about this phrase and trying to come up with something.
There are the stereotypical things we’re supposed to miss: youth, our metabolisms (haha), taking good health for granted, thing like that. I have some good memories of my younger years, but I don’t have the urge to go back or to relive those experiences.
There are the heartbreaking losses of relationships, deaths, other huge losses. I’ve felt some of those losses, yes. But at this particular moment in my life, I am not in a state of missing much if anything about the major things I’ve lost in recent years. I did briefly ponder the loss of a steady twice-a-month paycheck. But then I realized that I don’t miss anything that went with that paycheck, and I’m doing fine as I am right now, so… it hurt a year ago, but it doesn’t hurt now. While I have been connected with loss of life in this past year, and while I sense a tug of loss, I cannot say that I feel that tug as a profound sort of thing like I would if it were a loss that was personal to me.
There are other losses particular to a person, I suppose, things I might be expected to miss. The biggest one for me would have to be the loss of my parents’ acceptance (or even their belief in my sanity). That has caused me enormous grief. But when I come to even a momentary peace with the realization that they simply do not accept me as I am, I feel relief. It’s a weird relief I suppose… but it brings some internal closure to decades of living in a way that allowed me to hide myself from them, while appearing to be the sort of dutiful daughter they praised. I suppose I did no one any favors living that way. And so simply accepting their non-acceptance shows us all a measure of respect.
In spite of mis-steps and issues along the way, I cannot say in this moment that I would trade what I have now for anything I once had. I’m speaking very personally here, of course. I know that the world has lost great goodness in the last year from the people and animals I’ve been connected with who have died. If I could bring back that energy, those people, those beloved furry family members, I would. But right now, in this moment, in my own life, I prefer to be who I am. I myself do not wish to go back to who I was.
I’m actually going to get to sing this song with the choir I conduct. It makes me happy and sad and nostalgic and wishing and leaves me a better person every time I sing it. So I’ll end here.
A Love That Will Never Grow Old
Go to sleep, may your sweet dreams come true
Just lay back in my arms for one more night
I’ve this crazy old notion that calls me sometimes
Saying this one’s the love of our lives.
Cause I know a love that will never grow old
And I know a love that will never grow old.
When you wake up the world may have changed
But trust in me, I’ll never falter or fail
Just the smile in your eyes, it can light up the night,
And your laughter’s like wind in my sails.
Lean on me, let our hearts beat in time,
Feel strength from the hands that have held you so long.
Who cares where we go on this rutted old road
In a world that may say that we’re wrong.