Last night I slept as well as a really exhausted person could sleep, given a wake-up for the kiddoes in the middle of the night.  I woke up feeling better, and remembering something else my therapist said to try.

I told her about feeling good imagining good things to come; and at the same time feeling uncertain and confused about not knowing how to get there.  She said if I think of that experience as treading water in the middle of a long swim, then I can use it as a time for rejuvenation rather than self-flagelation.

Then she said one of the great things to do in that time is to really focus on envisioning where I want to be, as if I’m there already.  Then I can let myself feel the feelings of relief that come with just envisioning the good stuff.

I was kind of doing that but it seems like every time I do it something I had regarded as certain gets removed.  The other thing is that I had the feeling somehow that this was the time to stop dreaming and start doing.

Nevermind that as I talked along yesterday (it was a long session, I say, rolling my eyes), I realized I have a very clear plan.  It’s broad and flexible and workable all at once.  It’s kind of surprising.

But OK, so there I am, moving along as I am moving along.  What if I go back to what I used to do a lot when I first started writing here – daydreaming?  What if I do that again?  What if I daydream BIG and with abandon?  It’s not like my life went to hell after I did that for a few months.  As a matter of fact, my life has improved rather shockingly, and quite specifically in the direction of things I wanted but never believed I could have or deserve.

So I wonder then who or what I am fighting.  Because make no mistake, the anxiety and self-judgment I’ve been mired in for the last several weeks at least is really another form of daydreaming.  It’s daydreaming that things are bad, that I’m bad, that I have to fight to change the bad things and the bad me… it’s just as much of a daydream as if I treat myself as good and things in my life as good and release what doesn’t work while embracing what does – and remember that everybody in my life is doing the best they can, even me.

I started practicing a song (link poofed) that seemed to evoke some of this sentiment, although it had a storyline that was not exactly what I’m daydreaming.  But it got me to thinking and feeling back in that dreamy place where things do work out, believe it or not; where life floats into coherence rather than banging into superficial organization; where that internal fight that I think of as part of my being just dissolves into peace.

This looks like a nice place to keep resting up and re-start the daydreaming.  My inner critic just called me crazy.  Eh – I think I’ll take this kind of crazy for a while.

[via Completely Coastal]