Lately I feel peaceful and optimistic. This is so unlike me.
I feel significant relief about my work situation, as I see possibilities before me that I genuinely couldn’t see before my eyes just a few months ago. I also feel profound relief because I’m not clamoring for the attention of an institution that doesn’t really fit my goals, my dreams, my life…
I feel relief about some personal things as well. I recently had a “wow, dodged that bullet” moment about something that might have been, but had it been, it would have felt rotten.
As I don’t chase down non-opportunities, real opportunities show themselves to be knocking on my door.
The whole key seems to be to just be alright with where I am right this minute, and open about where I might want to be in the next moment.
What’s funny to me is that the moments of relief get interspersed with emotional anger spikes. I’ll be trotting along feeling peaceful and then I’ll get this raw burst of intensity and I’ll just feel totally growly and pissed off. Sort of a “what the HELL was I thinking chasing after this stuff?” combined with a “wow these RATS really done me wrong.” I mean, I suppose I have to have a good soprano tantrum in order to keep the singing diva title. But this feels more like a geyser gushing up at random moments and then subsiding back to who knows where. It doesn’t replace the newly minted peaceful feelings… which seem to be rather deep, if I think about it… it’s kind of amazing.
I think a lot of it is me just choosing not to chase down things and people who don’t really want me; and learning, breath by breath, to accept those opportunities and people who do seem to want to relate to me. I’m finding that it’s a tricky business, accepting acceptance. I’ve been trained as a good wife and mother to give out acceptance (and to mean it, not just fake it, I really do mean it). But I’ve also been trained to suspect any acceptance that I receive. Some of that comes from an upbringing in which one’s acceptance into heaven was conditioned upon one’s behavior and beliefs being just so… but for reasons I cannot entirely explain, I seem to be attracting people into my life who are decent human beings living decent human lives with little or no extraneous drama – and these folks want to work with me, sing with me, relate to me, care for me.
Damned if that don’t make me feel all happy-like.
Don’t tell God, but I think I might be really really lucky.
Aww – how I can I be unhappy with this furry critter in my life?