I’m a fan of an astrologer named Rob Brezsny. He writes amazing stuff on his website. Here’s what came to my Inbox this morning.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): If you were living in Greece in the fifth century B.C., I’d urge you to bathe in the healing spring at the shrine of Asklepios in Athens. If you were in 19th-century France, I’d recommend that you trek to the sacred shrine at Lourdes — being sure to crawl the last half-mile on your hands and knees — and sip from the curative waters there. But since you’re a busy 21st-century sophisticate and may have a limited belief in miracles, I’ll simply suggest that you visit the most interesting tree you know and spill a bottle of pristine water over your head as you confess your sins and ask the sky for forgiveness and sing songs that purify you to the bone.
At first this was a bit of a puzzler. I cut my eyeteeth, so to speak, on confessing my sins. Sometimes I think I still do it all the time, even in my sleep. Evidence suggests I might – I recently went to the dentist convinced I had tooth pain, and he informed me that I was grinding my teeth – stress! Nice, huh? Well, anyway, why would such a practiced confesser as myself need to be instructed to do MORE of the same? It seemed a cruel sort of horoscope for this former fundie. I mean, a big part of my journey in recent years has involved celebrating what I used to call sin. Hell, I AM what I used to call sin. So what on earth am I supposed to confess?
Then this evening, as I stepped on my own last nerve, causing general annoyance inside myself and some mild concern in my household, I thought – why not?! I mean, really. Why not? But if I’m going to confess I’m going to confess from my new perspective. So the things I will confess will be the opposite of the ones that FUCKING inner critic thinks I should confess. Here goes. Get comfy. This may take a while.
I’m sorry I’m so scared of my wonderful new life, which is already manifesting itself through the cracks in my fear.
I’m sorry I’m hanging on so hard to my old life, which annoys me in so many ways but which is familiar and therefore seems stable.
I’m sorry I’ve allowed myself to spend the last few days careening downhill into self-judgment and self-doubt.
I’m sorry I’ve opened up in places where I wanted to stay closed; and I’m sorry I’ve stayed closed in places where I wanted to open up; and I’m sorry that so many times I still can’t tell the difference…
I’m sorry that I reach out and then boomerang back inside myself.
I’m sorry that I’ve forgotten that I am love.
I’m sorry that I’ve treated myself like someone who doesn’t deserve to be well loved.
And now – talking to myself here – I’m so sorry it hurts inside sometimes for no reason that you can articulate. I’m sorry that you’ve somehow gotten the message that you don’t get to be human, be messy, be fussy, be clingy, be passionate, be opinionated, be open, be free, be at peace. I’m sorry that you’ve felt forced to push down your most intense feelings. I’m sorry that you got the message that you couldn’t trust yourself. You are a blessed child of the goddess. Every sign in your life that you think means something is wrong – that’s a sign that something is right. Everything that seems too messy or chaotic to deal with right now is a sign, not of your inability to cope, but of your need for steady order. It’s OK to take it slow.
And now – pouring the water over my head and singing
And ultimately, this might be what I really mean to say:
“Talk To Me Now”
he said ani, you’ve gotten tough
’cause my tone was curt
yeah, and when I’m approached in a dark alley
I don’t lift my skirt
in this city
is a full time occupation
to survive on this shore
you know I don’t
avert my eyes anymore
in a man’s world
I am a woman by birth
and after nineteen times around I have found
they will stop at nothing once they know what you are worth
talk to me now
I played the powerless
in too many dark scenes
and I was blessed with a birth and a death
and I guess I just want some say in between
don’t you understand
in the day to day
and the face to face
I have to act
just as strong as I can
just to preserve a place
where I can be who I am
so if you still know how
talk to me now
Yeah. That was it.