In recent weeks, my outward life has altered so much that I have had difficulty keeping up with myself, with my schedule.
This is a huge change from the past three years, where I really ran my own schedule and had regular blocks of time to re-charge in my own way.
While I haven’t gone completely back to the way I used to live (where I reached for outward success and ignored inner peace and inner truth), I can feel the pull.
I have responded by more or less crashing on the one day a week I allow myself to rest fully.
But I am looking around at my space, and feeling extremely fortunate to have it, and I am realizing that my sanctuary is the little world in and around me that is just for me. I’m realizing that although I have spent massive amounts of time decluttering (hence the blog title, Making Space) in order to make room for my new life, my new way of being, I have let clutter back in.
Physical clutter means emotional clutter – at least for me. I don’t know if this is true for anyone else, so I’m not saying it to tell anyone else how to live. But it is a reflection of an emotional state for me.
And since right now I’m working at home less, and working out of the home more, I keep thinking I “must” or “should” feel grateful for the opportunity to make such good money the next few months, and I “should” pitch in there whenever I am asked for more work, and I “need” to look at my future as possibly including even more of this!
When really, backing off and making sanctuary my first priority, as I have done the past three years, is what I actually WANT. I want my inner world, my outer living space (again, I am so fortunate to have this living space), and my chosen (CHOSEN!) activities to reflect my true values. Right now they look like they are a bit too cluttered with things brought in from, or affected by, external (and internal) demands rather than my own truth.
So – here I go again, making space for the life that is to come. Because along with the changes in the past few weeks, I have had some news about a direction I wanted to take – I thought I had found a simple process forward, but it turns out that there is no way to go forward, that I can discover right now, that won’t require me to stop working entirely for a year in order to really make it happen. And that’s not something I have any desire to do – and if I did, I wouldn’t have money to fulfill the year-off requirement.
So again, I’m back to my naked dreams, and my desire for inner sanctuary, and, most of all, back to making space.