It’s too improbable.
It’s logistically impossible.
It’s not recommended by experts.
It hasn’t come true in real life yet.
It doesn’t reflect any realistic possibility that I can see.
It doesn’t always feel good.
It makes people who know about it ask when it’s going to come true or go away.
It’s confusing.
It’s not realistic.
It is everything and nothing.
And it won’t go away. Inside me, it won’t go away. I have very little power to act, and yet when I try to tell myself that this isn’t me, this isn’t freedom, this isn’t imagination, this isn’t reality, I crumble.
I don’t know how to dream this into being. And I don’t know how to wish it away.
So I try to talk myself out of it. I do very very well, until I find myself crying my eyes out and there I am again, with the underlying – dare I say it? – truth.
The truth is that I have no idea what I’m doing, or why this is something that asks for such a delicate balance of acceptance and letting go.
And the biggest thing to let go, right now, this moment, is the belief that the tears mean nothing, that my feelings are poor guides, and that I have to see it before I can believe it.
Right now I’m blind, and sensing my way along the wall inch by inch, stopping frequently to rest. It’s a blindness not created by injury or lack of sight, but by sight not giving me what I need. And the bubble around me protects me from inner and outer voices telling me what to do.
I can’t act, or at least I can’t find a way to act, to bring it about. But I can, at least, acknowledge that it is true for me, inside. I can acknowledge that, right now, to try to dismiss that particular inner truth is to sheer off the deepest part of my soul. I can acknowledge that the tears are the surgery that brings the sheered-off part back.
And I can, maybe, talk myself out of questioning myself. For a bit. For this moment. For this breath. Maybe.
Last summer I took this picture of a shoreline about an hour from my house.
10 comments
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February 8, 2013 at 8:30 am
grumpygranny
I do this all the time. ALL the time. About everything. Then, I manage to get past it and keep going. Have you heard of the Abe-Hicks Focus Wheel? I think this might be a good tool for you. Check it out here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7B_UBW2MwAg&noredirect=1 and then google for more examples. Despite what you feel at this moment, life IS about joy and you deserve every bit of it. Don’t let yourself talk you out of that. Good luck! Big hugs!
February 10, 2013 at 7:17 am
MakingSpace
Thank you for the focus wheel – that was a new one for me. The process of starting in the center and finding words (and ways to live) that express that truth – very very helpful. Right now I’m working with something that is almost inarticulate – it’s like a feelings focus wheel that lacks words to describe it. But the process is the same. Mostly it’s about acceptance of the truth inside, rather than running from it to grasp at something more outwardly appropriate-seeming. I really like the visual aspect of the wheel – everything starts from and returns to the center.
February 8, 2013 at 9:55 pm
liz
sending you thoughts of strength and peace as you discover your truth. xo
February 10, 2013 at 7:18 am
MakingSpace
Thank you Liz – and as it happens I am commenting here just as I read your Big News post! So I, too, send you thoughts of strength, peace – and EXCITEMENT! – as you follow the dreams your truth has led you to.
February 10, 2013 at 8:39 am
liz
you made me smile so big from the inside out. thank you for your blessing.
February 10, 2013 at 8:57 am
MakingSpace
You are welcome and HOORAY!!
February 9, 2013 at 8:09 am
Victoria Oldham
some days breath by breath is all you can do. be gentle with yourself.
February 10, 2013 at 7:20 am
MakingSpace
You know, I have said that same thing to myself and others in so many circumstances – and reading it here, in this context, makes me think that perhaps that is a solid path forward regardless of what is going on inside or outside. One (conscious) breath at a time. Because, really, that’s the place where truth that can’t be articulated in words goes.
February 9, 2013 at 2:35 pm
Lexie C
Walking the tightrope of life is tricky. Balance is a slippery thing and doubt and fear wield nasty, sharp swords. I don’t have any answers my friend, but I hang on to that little flame of hope that ever-burns, deep inside, telling me to trust and that there is always a new day just beyond the dark night.
Hugs and positive thoughts your way!
February 10, 2013 at 7:23 am
MakingSpace
Yes, that deep place inside does seem to hang on to hope – and trust – and one’s inner truth. And speaking of balance, I think that for me, looking to that deep place inside is what provides balance – anything else is just noise, ya know? Thank you for the positive thoughts! I can’t say that the discovery that led to the post above felt negative – or positive – or anything I can easily articulate. But I do believe that accepting (hell, just DISCOVERING) my inner truth is an innately positive process. It’s just sometimes very surprising.