I regret guilt.

I regret shame.

I regret neediness.

I regret overextending myself out of guilt, shame, or neediness, or all three.

I regret that decades of self-examination, delving into a variety of spiritual practices, and years of therapy haven’t excised these things from my psyche.

I regret that I don’t understand the difference between guilt and shame; and I’m horrified that I don’t understand, on a consistent basis, the difference between neediness and love.  I do get that last one, sometimes, and it’s wonderful when I do.  But I’m astonished at how deeply I can sink, and how quickly, into desperation.

I regret that I worry about making the right decisions.  I regret that I worry about having the right feelings.  I regret that my feelings go where they will, and instead of honoring their journey I try to corral them, make them “acceptable.”

I regret that I carry burdens that are not mine, for generations long past and for lives that I don’t live.

I regret that I judge myself so harshly, so often.  I regret that I am not sufficiently realistic; and I regret that I fail to believe the impossible.

Lest this all sink into a pit of depression that would have me posting from under my bed, I will end by saying I do NOT regret making the best macaroni and cheese of my life today.  I adapted the recipe from my Betty Crocker cookbook.

I chopped half a medium onion and sauteed it in two tablespoons of butter.  Then I added two medium garlic cloves, minced.  Once it looked done-ish, I added two tablespoons of all purpose flour and a little salt and pepper.  Stirred and cooked it until it didn’t smell raw anymore.  Took it off the heat and added two cups of liquid (I was running out of milk so I used mostly milk and rounded out with some half and half and some chicken broth).  Then stirred while bringing to a boil; stirred and boiled for a minute, took it off the heat.  Added a combination of cheddar and monterey jack cheeses.  Decided it lacked something.  Added a few shakes of ground cumin (without which my life would be a blank – lack of cumin would be something I’d REALLY regret, ha).  OH YUM.  Seriously.  OH YUUUUUUM.

OK.  Turned it into an ungreased square pan, added panko and drizzled melted butter over the panko.  Into the oven at 350 until bubbly.

It was a big hit with the small people in the house, and with mama too.  Goodness gracious it was good.  Fortunately there were enough leftovers to pile in a bowl and save for tomorrow – or a midnight snack.

So – regrets?  Oh yeah.  I’ve got ‘em.  I let little things knock me down.  But as long as I can keep the presence of mind to make this macaroni and cheese again, I think there might be hope.  Seriously.

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