Today over at 29 Black Street, the LOVELY Susan gave us a photo gallery of herself – and honored me and my girls with this quote:
We are cups, constantly and quietly being filled.
The trick is knowing how to tip ourselves over
and let the Beautiful Stuff out.
-Ray Bradbury
I wasn’t going to post anything today. I’ve been working like a fiend on paperwork that is going to lead to my independence. And by “working like a fiend” I mean “working as if I had a fucking clue what I was doing.” Fortunately, taking my time at it makes it slowly make sense.
At the same time, for reasons I don’t quite understand, I got exposed to more work politics from the place that still sort of employs me. I don’t have any reserves of patience for that anymore. I really don’t. I go straight from reasonably sane to furiously outraged in about half a second. It’s not my problem. It’s not my job to fix the stuff that was being discussed. I just need to walk away, walk away, walk away.
So there I was, head swirling with figures and facts and divisions of various things and trying to figure out how the hell the coming conversations are going to remain civil (and really, they must remain civil because I have children and I am moving from a status of full civil rights to unequal civil rights – so I MUST BEEEEEE civil at all times, at. all. times.). And there I was, listening in on email conversations that really didn’t need to involve me, and just reminded me of the ick that I no longer deal with.
Fortunately I had one class to teach where the power of music brought back a little flutter in my soul.
And then I read that Bradbury quote. See – the thing is, when I’m in a changeable life situation like I am now, I tend to think if I tip over the cup, only the ick will spill out.
So, Susan, I tip my spiky hair at you for letting me know that even now, when I’m revisiting decades of life in my heart, reviewing how to go forward with civility and solvency in my head, and furious that I allowed so many years to go by with so little attention to what was really bothering me – even now, it’s the good stuff that comes out when I open up, spill over, let it out. In honor of your own openness I’m gonna post my own photo. And, of course, a song. I first heard Cris Williamson’s Waterfall when I was in the “onthefloorinthefetalpositioneverynight” stage of trying not to come out. First time I heard the first phrase I breathed again. So – hello y’all, here I am.
16 comments
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October 23, 2010 at 3:14 am
La Diva Cucina
Deep Bitch!!!!! Wow! You’ve outed yourself on the Internets! You are getting mighty brave! Look at you roar, girl! From someone who’s been reading your blog for a while now, may I just say that you should be so proud of your progress! Keep going, my little tea cup of song and strength! (and good luck with the inevitable paperwork and proceedings.)
October 23, 2010 at 5:45 am
makingspace1
Thank you thank you thank you!!!!
October 23, 2010 at 4:17 am
Big Shamu
I think the sun blocker would have been more fun…
October 23, 2010 at 5:46 am
makingspace1
Agree darlin. No question. I’m not sure I’m ready to put out my full name and phone number and email through the general blogosphere yet though. But yeah, no question, sun-blocker gets raves everywhere.
October 23, 2010 at 6:07 am
susan
Well … holla ! sweet thing. And aren’t you gorgeous !! Love to the girls.
and to you. xo Susan, Miss D & les Chats
October 23, 2010 at 6:11 am
makingspace1
Holla back sweet thing yourself, and thanks for the compliment! Love to you and your many assistants and assorted cowboys.
October 23, 2010 at 9:02 am
Dani (from you know where)
Love ya doll! You are AMAZING!! Keep letting that beauty spill out because you are BEAUTIFUL!!
October 23, 2010 at 1:12 pm
makingspace1
Yoyoyoyo Dani! Nice to hear from you here on the blog, it means a lot to me that you read and commented. sniffle – and all of what you said to me? Right back atcha.
October 23, 2010 at 11:01 am
COat50
What a lovely woman you are! It takes a bit of courage to post pics that FULLY IDENTIFY onesself. I haven’t done it yet . . . some day!
October 23, 2010 at 12:59 pm
makingspace1
Thank you! No rush, and indeed, no need to ever give up any level of privacy that feels best to you.
October 23, 2010 at 11:08 am
COat50
Also: I’m asking myself today, “Am I going through with this? Damn, it’s scary thinking about being on my own. Can I do this? What’s out there for me? WHO is out there for me?” Not having serious second thoughts, just a bit of the tremblies . . .
Your blog is good for me because I’m coming up behind you and get to read about how you handled things. Thanks for writing so openly about your journey — you’re helping me and others.
October 23, 2010 at 1:09 pm
makingspace1
Right – it’s not like there can be second thoughts about the being straight or being gay thing (though I will admit to having tried to force myself to have those thoughts over the years). And yet – what happens when that one person who you always thought was going to be your main support suddenly isn’t? And even more intense, what happens when you discover that what you thought of as support, love, connection, wasn’t ever what your heart really wanted and once your heart woke up it couldn’t go back to sleep again? It can feel so disloyal, especially to those of us who married decent men, men who perhaps (as in my case) offered genuine support even when others around us didn’t.
I have all kinds of support surrounding me now. I need it ALL. I sometimes run through the list of all the people in my life who I know I can count on and even if I don’t talk to all of them every day or every week even, I just NEED to know they are there. And even with all the love and care I have in my life, I still need little props and coping skills to keep my sense of self spinning around its own core, rather than spinning out of control.
And, thankfully, with all the support I now feel, I’m discovering something even more surprising – I’m who’s out there for me. I don’t mean that in an egotistical, isolated kind of a way – not at all. I often think of myself as being a little too clingy in close relationships (though how that plays to the other parties tends to depend on lots of other things so maybe I’m OK as I am, who knows…), so isolated and aloof ain’t gonna be my style. But really? I’m all right? Here? Now? There? Then? It’s almost too much to contemplate.
When we’re coming out after a lifetime of living straight, the layers and layers and layers that have to come off can seem endless. We get to take our own time. We really really do. I’m glad my writing helps you and others, because it certainly helps clear the cobwebs from my brain and often helps me face my demons. And it’s brought me some amazing things too. Yeah.
October 23, 2010 at 5:46 pm
Em
You said something in there that hit me & fits with what I’m dealing with/thinking about right now. So thank you. I’m actually going through one of those times when you lose people. It’s a little rugged. It’s nice to have places to go in the blogosphere.
And brave you, with your pretty face out there.
October 23, 2010 at 10:35 pm
makingspace1
You are welcome – and always welcome here. I’m sorry it’s rugged right now.
Susan inspired me. Awesome! Thanks.
October 23, 2010 at 5:50 pm
COat50
. . . and now I’m weepy from your comment. Thanks for the words, which once again, have hit home.
October 23, 2010 at 10:42 pm
makingspace1
You are so welcome. Hugs. We feel so alone when we go through this in our homes, surrounded by the lives we’ve built up over decades. We’re not kids starting out who can just start as we now are (and, tragically, there seem to be way too many young ones who are terrified to start out on this path as well). One breath at a time. Lots of tears… and the weirdest thing I’m learning these days is that the places where I’ve always thought I was the craziest are the places where I’m really most myself – most at peace, most sane, most (I’m gonna whisper this one) happy.
And that’s all just a breath away right now. The stories “they” tell us about having to make huge decisions immediately – there is no other “they” that knows a timeline that will work for any particular woman. Some come out like lightning, and some – some never do. Most of us muddle our way out somewhere in between those two extremes.
We gotta remember, sister, we GOTTA remember, we are good. Being ourselves, it’s good. It’s good. Even if it’s standing at the sink washing the dishes and thinking “I’m gay and I’m washing the dishes” – LOL – that’s good. That’s SO good, really. Ya know? LOL Hugs.