Tonight’s post is going to be a combination affair.  A dedication, a list of post topics suggested by recent comments, and how things are going as I kick off my 21-Day Challenge.

First, the dedication.  I’m dedicating this post and this space tonight to all of you out there who are reading along.  I think you are amazing and I appreciate your presence in my life, it is just as real as if you were here in person.

Now, just to keep me on track, I’m going to list post topics suggested by the comments over the last day or so.  I’ve got three so far.  (1) Evey pointed out that whatever current/vibration/feeling we are offering, we tend to get that back from the universe.  I want to write more about my experience of this, and particularly as it applies to my situation.  I’m not aiming to be prescriptive for every person reading along, but simply to address what I see happening in my own life in this regard.  (2) Diva pointed out my earlier statement that I tend to question good things even more than “bad” things in my life; and asked about how I turn negative self-talk around.  I have a process I use, and I’m working on refining it because I think it worked well until recently.  I think I have shifted and I’m ready for a new way of responding to my own inner critic.  (3) Diva wrote something about how you can’t go back.  This really captured my imagination and gave me an internal sense of hope and affirmation, and I look forward to exploring this idea more.

Alright, you folks are awesome with the thought-provoking comments (and with the ribald banter about Peeps, I feel it necessary to comment on this ONE LAST TIME, Shamushalalalalashamu darlin).  So I’m really honored to use the next several posts to address your thoughts and questions in a more thorough way.

Now for my 21-Day Challenge Kickoff.  Well.  See, this is where it becomes apparent that I have shifted and am ready for a new self-talk-turnaround process.  Maybe not new, but, I don’t know, somewhat refined?  I’m not sure.  I’m going to talk to my therapist about this later this week.  I know I’ve come far, because last year at this time the only way THE ONLY WAY I could get to sleep at all was by taking a prescription anti-anxiety medication.  Even so, I was anxious enough about my life generally that I had a really hard time eating, and I kept losing weight and my energy level kept plummeting.  I know that something rather magical happened over the summer.  I cleared out a bunch of junk from various spaces I occupied (home and work spaces).  I started blogging.  And as the fall came, I got off the anti-anxiety meds, started eating again (first time in a year), finally got free of some relational stuff that was weighing me down, and started to feel free generally.  All of that has led to some pretty amazing changes in my inner life and my sense of myself.

So why, last night, was I in SUCH a terrible place?  I talked my pain into a video camera and sent off the video in an email; the response I got was that it was intensely emotionally scary to watch.  I commented that probably that sort of expression of pain is best saved for my therapist and others close to me are best served by a brief recap of the situation, minus the rather raw expression of a pain that really, no one can do anything about.  It just has to pass.  It’s kind of like getting an emotional migraine.  What I want to do as I go forward with my 21-Day Challenge is notice the triggers for this spike in agony.  I’ll write them here.  Notice what actually helps to address the intensity.  And notice how long it takes to get back to a state of equilibrium.  I feel I may be approaching that state now, almost 24 hours after the worst of it.  But it may be a couple of days before I totally find my balance.  As I do, my pledge to myself and to others around me is to believe (or where that’s not possible for me, act as if I believe) that support exists, that those who care just simply do care, and that where all else fails, listen to the laughter of my children around the house to know that things are not as desperate as I may feel.

One trigger seems to be that I don’t allow the night time to be a restful, embracing experience.  If I have even a few days where I simply don’t allow myself to feel as if I’m sinking into rest, true rest, then the cycle of anxiety starts.  So for tonight, I’m going to find the place inside where I feel that embrace and I’m going to stay there.  I think it will feel good.

Unless I dream about Peeps.  Then I’ll have a few things to say to several of you.  Ha.

Good night.

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