I have a few things to say, and they don’t fit together coherently.  Yeah, yeah, I know, when has coherence been high on my list?  Nevertheless.

Thing Number One:  It looks like my small, close-knit message board for whom I am the Secret Santa Coordinator, will be helping out 27 children this year.  Some of these children would have no Christmas without this help, because their family’s economic situation is – well, you know…  sigh…  So it’s been amazing and wonderful and happy to be able to help this way.  I used to fantasize about winning the lottery, and along with spending PLENNNNNY on myself, I’d help out a lot of people (I have a running mental list.  Just in case, you know.  Heh.).   But this experience has given me that same satisfaction, along with the conviction that it’s not how much you have but how you feel as you’re helping out.  Hmm… something to ponder…

Thing Number Two: I spent a good part of today reading about cooking and home kitchens.  My kitchen is a hodgepodge, and my cooking is, well, cooking is probably an optimistic term for it but I’m learning slowly…  Anyway, I’ve decided to make sure my kitchen is properly equipped.  Based on the lists of supplies/equipment needed in a home kitchen, I’m thinking I need a chef’s knife, paring knife, and serrated knife, and some kind of strainer; and beyond that I need to get rid of a lot of stuff I never have used and never will.  Perhaps over winter break.

Thing Number Three: I’m circling back to a viewpoint I held quite firmly in the earliest months of my coming out – that the only way to experience this journey is with joy and peace.  At this point joy and peace are choices, rather than euphoric happenings.  But I remember saying to myself and to others as I came out, slooooooooowly but definitively, that I only wanted to make changes in my life when it felt positive to do so.  I think in the intervening years some of the euphoria has worn off, and some worry about “what’s next?” has seeped in; but I’m realizing that the seeds of tomorrow are sown in the feelings and dreams of this day.  Another way to look at the same issue is that all I am certain of is this moment; so my choice in this, and any, moment, is really between love or fear.  To choose love is to bring eternity into each moment.  That’s what I want.  It expands and slows and ripens and allows.  That’s what I want.

Thing Number Four: Body wisdom.  Somehow, my body seems to know what to do in order to get my attention.  I’ve been dealing with heartburn lately, which doesn’t fit my age/weight/family history profile at all.  I’ve noticed that it gives me a contracted feeling in my chest and body that mirrors the feeling I get in my body when I am choosing fear (see above under Thing Number Three).  In a simple way, with a basically healthy body, I think this is a way for my physical self to remind me that on a deep level I am what I feel.  Pepto Bismol may help the immediate physical symptoms, and perhaps a look into my diet and exercise routines is advised, but at the same time simply taking the attitude of deep self-love changes how I feel…

So maybe that’s the connecting factor in these thoughts – the idea that treating myself well can come through reaching out, reaching into my home routines, reaching inward for love, and remembering to care for my body.