Yes to Being a Late Bloomer

I’ve been reading through some novels by Katherine V. Forrest.  I recently bought several of them super-cheap and I now own the entire Kate Delafield detective series.  So I’m reading them from the beginning.

These novels, the few from the series that were in my public library, were some of the first lesbian fiction I read, hidden among the piles of Agatha Christie and Joan Hess and all the picture books I read to my toddlers.

Now I’m reading the whole series from beginning to end, and I’m realizing something.  During the whole time Forrest was writing those novels, during the whole time she was recounting aspects of lesbian life, I was – on a different planet.  It’s really the only way to describe it.  I just finished one that was both written and set in 1985.  I was in my first year of college.  I went to bible college.  I loved it.  I loved the big city, and I was part of a Big Brothers/Big Sisters program and I had a little sister in the blighted Cabrini Green housing project.  It was an exciting young life.

But – at the same time, there was a whole world out there about which I knew nothing at all.  I didn’t even know the word lesbian.  I didn’t know then that what I thought of as my lack of faith was really my true self.   I didn’t know that I’d be, twenty years later, discovering that the thin shell I wore around myself that poked into me all the time – it was just made of lies.  I didn’t know myself fully.

So I appreciate the opportunity to, as it were, go back in time and know that while I was floating out there unaware, there were women who were publishing books I’d one day read so I could learn about myself.   Who knew?  Not I.

Over at Camlin’s Crooked Line, Anna/Camlin writes about similar issues.  Recently she had the opportunity to read her own writing about being a late bloomer herself, and offering encouragement to other women that it really will be OK – much better than OK – on the other side.  I asked her if I could share her reading, and she said yes, so here it is.  Beautiful writing, lovely reading, and a personal account that gives hope and sweetness and light to the process of finding oneself later in life.

And for reasons I can’t quite explain, this lovely song feels to me like the soundtrack to my personal experience of hearing Anna’s piece:

Yes to Eating Better

I’ve been stress eating.

I moved – out of the house I lived in since 1998.  Then had the holidays.  Then a job shift.  Then a major shift in how my health insurance was going to be handled – that was a shock.  Then a really difficult emotional state dealing with part of my work.

Then, too, the fact that in recent months as I’ve gotten more confident and more independent, taken my name back, moved, did a big splashy singing gig with fancy makeup and stuff – that all seems to have attracted male attention.

I don’t want that and I thought it had stopped several years ago once the crows’ feet around my eyes became visible.

So I’m eating too much, and too much junk.  And it doesn’t feel good.

And I want to stop, and breathe, and drink water, and treat myself better, and feel safe (male attention never feels very safe, even when the male providing the attention is perfectly safe).  I want to be myself.  I’ve stopped wearing skirts and nice clothes, and I want to start doing that again.

And I want to eat better so all of this will feel good.  I know what to do, and I know why I’m not doing it.  And I want to start.  Again.

Yes.

Yes to Being Treated Better

I’ve been pondering this post in my head all day.

It seems sort of passive to start off with “being treated better” as today’s thing.  Like I’m going to either wait for or try to force others to treat me better or something.  It kind of looks like I’m depending on others’ behavior toward me to determine my state of mind.

That’s not really what I’m getting at though.  I’m aiming more at being open to being treated well.  It’s like an internal “yes” to the notion/belief/idea/thought that being treated well is something I get to look for, be open to, observe, experience, not be totally surprised by…

Part of this is about treating myself well.  And that involves accepting even the parts of me that are currently troubling me.  Right now there’s one thing about myself that I wish I could just erase.  It’s a psychological trick I play on myself a lot, and it’s hard to describe, but that involves reading the worst into ordinary situations.  So this yes to being treated better involves reading the best into ordinary situations, or even reading the ordinary into ordinary situations.

At the same time, it involves a bit of sitting back and watching how folks treat me, and staying calm (hahahahahahaha) as I determine how to respond.  It’s like I’m giving myself a “yes” to taking a few breaths or a few days to get clear on how to respond, when I’m not sure.

There’s more.  Sometimes I read the worst into situations that are just fine, or at least appropriate to the larger life experience in which the participants find ourselves.  So in those cases I’m saying “yes” to just letting it be.

I’m saying yes to an open heart.  I’m saying yes to seeing and accepting being treated well.  And I’m saying yes to… (insert something interesting here…)

(Ahem.  Regular readers may see irony in the juxtaposition of this post with the previous one.  So give me a better band and song.  I’m open.  Hehehehe)

 

Yes to Total Deniability

Which means if you ever ask me if I said this I will totally deny it.  But I would be all over being spanked to this song.

 

Heh heh

Yes to Letting Go

She Let Go

by Jennifer Eckert Bernau
Santa Cruz, California

Without a thought or a word,

she let go.

She let go of fear.
She let go of judgments.
She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head.
She let go of the committee of indecision within her.

She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons.

Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry,

she just let go.

She didn’t ask anyone for advice.
She didn’t read a book on how to let go.

She just let go.

She let go of all the memories that held her back.
She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward.
She let go of the planning
and all of the calculations
about
how to do it
just right.

She didn’t promise to let go.
She didn’t journal about it.
She didn’t write the projected date in her Day-Timer.
She made no public announcement.
She didn’t check the weather report
or read her daily horoscope.

She just let go.

She didn’t analyze whether she should let go.
She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter.
She didn’t utter one word.
She just let go.

No one was around when it happened.
There was no applause or congratulations.
No one thanked her or praised her.
No one noticed a thing.
Like a leaf falling from a tree,

she just let go.There was no effort.

There was no struggle.
It wasn’t good.
It wasn’t bad.
It was what it was, and it is just that.

In the space of letting go, she let it all be.

A small smile came over her face.
A light breeze blew through her.
And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.

Here’s to giving ourselves the gift of letting go…

There’s only one guru ~ you.

Another photo – of some more artwork made for me by my daughter.  All together now… “Awwww!”

Yes to Saying It

Say

by John Mayer

Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all your so called problems
Better put ‘em in quotations

Say what you need to say
Say what you need to saaaay…

Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you’d be better off instead

If you could only
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to saaay…

Have no fear
For giving in
Have no fear
For giving over
You better know that in the end
It’s better to say too much
Then never to say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open… wide…

Say what you need to say
Say what you need to
Say what you need to
Say what you need to say…

Watch the video here

Yes to Taking Pictures

Introducing my new C@anon Elph!  It’s red, and yes I’m considering putting a Starsky and Hutch racing stripe on it!  I’m trying out various settings on it and snapping away.  It’s definitely a point and shoot with all the limitations of its equipment and its operator.  But I’m having fun.  Herewith, today’s shots:

Early morning from my front porch

Coconut tree in my side yard, also early morning

First try with the zoom feature, a detail of some scroll work high up at my children’s dance studio

The studio itself, taken from the viewing area a floor above, and showing all the debris of various dance classes strewn about…

More with the zoom feature.  Taking a shot of the floor next to the dance floor, from the viewing area above

Found on my pillow tonight

So you see, I’m going to be one of those annoying people that keeps showing you her pictures.  Hopefully they get better.  Anyway, this little red snappy camera is totally fun to play with, so YES to taking pictures!

The Year of Yes

My word for 2012 is YES.

It’s going to be interesting to see what I attract just with saying yes.  I’m going to start by saying yes, here on the blog, to something every day for thirty posts.  Each day that I post, I’ll say yes to something very specific.

For today I have a thank you and the beginnings of a yes, though I’m officially starting with the next post.

Susan of 29 Black Street (see link in sidebar) sent lovely cottage-warming gifts including her wondrous owls calendar.

Many thanks to Susan for this wonderful gift, which has pride of place on a special shelf in my room in my little mini-castle.

The beginnings of the “yes” which I’ll have more on in a later post have to do with taking pictures.  Thaaaaat’s right campers, I got me a new fancier point and shoot and a coupla books and I’m aimin’ to take better pics.  For these two I used the portrait setting on my new Canon ELPH since I figured I was taking portraits of the owls.  I’m hoping over time that I can replace googled images at the ends of my posts with self-produced images.  I don’t expect to become a great photographer, but I’d love to take better pics.

So – thanks Susan, YES to the new year, and stay tuned for more yeses over the next month or so.

[By Ugo Rondinone]

Please send good vibes…

To Mark and Fred and their children.  On January 11 they face a showdown with DOMA.  See the full story here.

Mark is a frequent commenter here and writer/photographer at Our Simple Lives.  He wrote a passionate and beautiful article here about his life with Fred and their children; and the fight they have faced to stay together.

He and Fred have been together 22 years, they are married and they have four children.

They deserve to be together, all together, in this country.

Please click through and read these two articles.  Then send thoughts, prayers, good vibes, whatever you’ve got.

Mark, lots of love and light.

Strategy

This here is by way of being a small update on my previous post.  I feel fortunate in having very little to recount.  No further public spottings of the parental unit in question.

Also, while I didn’t get a chance yet to go to the domestic violence advocacy place (I’ll go once the kiddoes are back in school and I don’t have them with me 24/7), I did have a helpful conversation.  I got some advice from a friend who has had to cut off ties with family, even going so far as to make a last name change so as not to be found; and who has had other situations where keeping distance was the best road to safety.  This friend advised that in situations where you meet up in public (either by accident or by the other person’s design), you simply and firmly say “No Contact” and move along.  You don’t engage in any conversation or any response you might get.

The thing I’ve realized is that as long as I have a strategy to deal with the situations, I feel safe, and then I can go back to feeling those open/soft/trusting feelings.  So I really appreciate my friend providing a listening ear and solid advice gained from hard experience.  I am learning that a lot of folks have gone through similar (or much much worse) things when coming out, and I am learning that talking to folks who have been through it often gives very practical advice as well as support.

I want to say also how much I appreciate the comments here on the blog.  I can’t really express what it means to be able to say what happened and how it felt, and have so many folks chime in with encouragement.

Not wanting to end on a terribly somber note, when today has provided the kind of spectacular weather that almost breaks your heart, I will close by saying that my red cowgrrrl boots and I thank y’all kindly!!